When we’re growing up, we spend a lot of years in school learning essential skills like reading, writing, math, and science. If we struggle with any of these subjects, we can often get a tutor or practice more to improve. But what do you do if you can’t manage your emotions? There’s no class for that in school, and no one ever taught you how. So, where were you supposed to learn it?

If managing your emotions is something you struggle with, stick around because there might be some helpful information for you. When we can’t manage our emotions, it typically means no one ever taught us how. But here’s the good news: you can learn to manage your emotions at any age, and it can still be an effective tool for your life. Let’s dive a little deeper into why managing emotions can be so hard and what you can do about it.

Understanding Emotional Regulation

From the moment a baby is born, it cannot regulate its own emotions. Instead, it is entirely dependent on its parents to teach them how to regulate. Think about a baby crying. A parent’s response usually consists of several different actions:

1. Facial Expressions: You know the face I’m talking about—the one that communicates empathy and understanding to the baby.
2. Physical Touch: Rocking, holding, and making the baby feel warm and secure.
3. Meeting Needs: Feeding the baby, helping it sleep, or otherwise addressing its needs.

These responses teach the baby how to regulate its emotions. But what happens if these things didn’t happen consistently in someone’s childhood? Perhaps the parent was neglectful, abusive, or had other challenges, like depression, that prevented them from meeting their baby’s needs effectively.

A depressed parent, for instance, might not be able to make that empathetic face. Instead, the baby might see a flat or distressed expression, leading to confusion and insecurity. In such situations, the baby might learn to regulate the parent’s emotions instead of the other way around.

There are many different scenarios that might have led to difficulty in regulating emotions as an adult, and it’s important to understand that it’s not your fault. It’s also not entirely the parents’ fault, as some people are naturally more sensitive to their emotions, and these emotions can feel more intense and last longer.

Learning Emotional Regulation

Regardless of whether your struggles with emotional regulation stem from early childhood experiences or inherent sensitivity, it doesn’t have to be this way forever. You can learn specific coping skills to help manage and reduce your emotional intensity.

Often, people come to therapy with only a few coping skills, mainly escape behaviors or ways of avoiding their emotions. While distracting yourself can be helpful in some situations, it’s not beneficial if you rely on these behaviors instead of learning to regulate your own emotions.

One of my favorite techniques for managing anxiety is self-soothing. This method is highly individualized, as what soothes one person might not soothe another.

Self-Soothing Techniques

Let’s explore self-soothing using the sense of smell. Think about what scents are soothing to you. For me, I find the smell of cinnamon very comforting. Recently, I noticed the unique scent of a new car while talking with a friend, and I also love the smell of coffee. Utilizing these soothing smells can be a quick and effective way to manage anxiety and bring down emotional intensity.

Here are some steps to get you started with self-soothing:

1. Identify Soothing Scents: Take a moment to think about scents that you find calming and pleasant. It could be the smell of a certain perfume, fresh flowers, essential oils, or even specific foods.
2. Incorporate These Scents into Your Routine: Use scented candles, essential oil diffusers, or carry a small item with the scent with you.
3. Practice Mindful Breathing: While inhaling these scents, practice mindful breathing. Focus on the scent and your breath, allowing yourself to be present in the moment.

Other Self-Soothing Techniques

Besides smell, there are other senses you can engage for self-soothing:

1. Touch: Soft fabrics, warm baths, or a gentle massage can provide comfort.
2. Sight: Look at soothing images or create a calm, visually pleasing environment.
3. Sound: Listen to calming music, nature sounds, or white noise.
4. Taste: Enjoy a favorite soothing drink or snack, mindfully savoring each bite or sip.

Emotional Regulation Skills

Beyond self-soothing, there are other skills you can develop to better manage your emotions:

1. Mindfulness and Meditation: These practices help you stay grounded and present, reducing the intensity of your emotions.
2. Cognitive Behavioral Techniques: Challenge and reframe negative thought patterns that contribute to emotional distress.
3. Emotion Identification: Learn to recognize and name your emotions, which is the first step in managing them.
4. Healthy Expression: Find safe and healthy ways to express your emotions, whether through journaling, talking to a friend, or engaging in creative activities like art or music.

The Journey of Emotional Regulation

Managing emotions is a lifelong journey, and we are all still learning and growing in this area. It’s important to be patient with yourself and recognize that it’s okay to seek help and use various techniques to improve your emotional regulation.

Remember, big emotions aren’t inherently a problem. It’s about learning how to bring them back down and not let them control your life. It might take some work, but with persistence and the right strategies, you can develop the skills needed to manage your emotions effectively.

Hopefully, something in this post was helpful for you. If it was, please like, subscribe, and leave a comment. Your feedback is valuable, and I look forward to hearing from you. Together, we can continue to learn and grow in our journey toward better emotional regulation. Thanks for reading, and I’ll see you in the next one!