Hello everyone, and welcome back to another session where we dive into the intricacies of emotional regulation. Today, we’re following up on our previous video where we started the conversation about emotional regulation and how to develop this crucial skill.

In our last video, we discussed that the ability to soothe oneself, which is central to emotional regulation, is something we start learning in infancy. However, many of us struggle with it as adults because we might not have had the optimal experiences needed to develop this skill early on. So, what do we do now? How can we learn to regulate our emotions even if it doesn’t come naturally to us? Let’s explore this together.

Understanding Emotional Regulation

To kick things off, let’s recap a bit from our last discussion. Emotional regulation involves being able to manage and respond to our emotional experiences in a healthy and effective way. Some aspects of this skill are learned, but a lot of it is something we pick up very early in life, often before we even realize it. If we didn’t have the best emotional regulation models growing up, we might find it challenging to manage our emotions as adults. But the good news is, it’s never too late to learn.

Common Coping Mechanisms

When clients come in struggling with anxiety or other emotional issues, we often ask them about their coping mechanisms. What we frequently see are escape behaviors rather than true self-soothing. People might try to distract themselves or avoid the source of their anxiety. While these strategies might provide temporary relief, they don’t help in truly calming and processing emotions.

Escape behaviors aren’t always bad. In some situations, distracting yourself can prevent you from acting on an unhealthy urge. However, when it comes to soothing yourself and working through emotions, distraction falls short. It might switch your emotional state momentarily, but it doesn’t help you process what you’re feeling.

Effective Self-Soothing Techniques

So, how can we genuinely soothe ourselves? One effective approach involves using our five senses. Here are some strategies that I’ve found particularly helpful:

1. Sense of Smell

Using the sense of smell can be incredibly grounding. I keep a few bottles of essential oils in my office. When a client’s anxiety spikes, I offer them a bottle and ask them to take a deep breath and describe the first image that comes to their mind. This technique taps into the sense of smell for grounding and utilizes memory and visualization to help reduce distress quickly.

2. Deep Breathing

Another powerful tool is deep breathing. Focusing on your breath not only helps regulate the emotional side but also the physical reactions. For instance, if you’re crying, deep breathing can help you regain control of your body. I often guide clients through breathing exercises and ask them to notice physical sensations, like how their clothes feel against their skin, to bring their focus back to the present moment.

3. Sense of Touch

Noticing the sense of touch can be very calming. I might ask clients to focus on how their clothes feel on their body or how their watch feels on their wrist. This simple act of redirecting their attention to physical sensations can help ground them in the here and now, reducing emotional intensity.

4. Sense of Taste

Taste can also be a powerful self-soothing tool if used mindfully. For example, savoring a small piece of chocolate or a sip of ice-cold water can be a great way to bring your attention to the present. I often suggest clients put a Hershey’s kiss on their tongue and resist the urge to bite it, just noticing the taste and their own reactions. This technique can help ground them and provide a mindful distraction from their anxiety.

The Role of Early Experiences in Emotional Regulation

Let’s circle back to the idea that our ability to self-soothe often stems from our early experiences. From the moment we are born, we rely on our caregivers to help regulate our emotions. When a baby is upset, a caregiver picks them up, bounces them, makes soothing noises, and meets their needs. If a caregiver is consistent and attuned, the baby learns to feel safe and can begin to develop their own self-soothing abilities.

However, if a caregiver is neglectful or dealing with their own emotional struggles, the baby might not get the consistent soothing they need. This can lead to difficulties in regulating emotions later in life. It’s not that parents need to be perfect, but repeated positive soothing experiences help wire our brains for self-regulation.

Learning Self-Soothing as an Adult

If you didn’t learn these skills in childhood, don’t worry – you can still learn them now. It might take some effort, but with practice, you can develop effective self-soothing strategies. Here are a few tips to get you started:

1. Acknowledge the Need for Learning: Recognize that if you struggle with emotional regulation, it’s okay and it’s something you can work on. Many people didn’t have the opportunity to learn these skills growing up.
2. Practice Regularly: Like any skill, self-soothing takes practice. Try incorporating sensory grounding techniques into your daily routine, even when you’re not feeling particularly stressed.
3. Be Patient: Learning to regulate your emotions is a journey. Be patient with yourself as you learn and practice new techniques.
4. Seek Support: Don’t hesitate to reach out for professional help if you need it. A therapist or life coach can provide guidance and support as you work on building these skills.

Final Thoughts

Emotional regulation is a crucial skill for navigating life’s ups and downs. While it might come naturally to some, others may need to put in extra effort to learn and develop this ability. By using techniques like sensory grounding, deep breathing, and mindful awareness, you can start to build your self-soothing toolkit.

Remember, it’s never too late to start working on your emotional regulation skills. Whether you’re dealing with anxiety, stress, or other emotional challenges, learning to soothe yourself effectively can make a significant difference in your overall well-being.

Thank you for joining me today. I hope these insights and strategies help you on your journey towards better emotional regulation. If you have any questions or need further assistance, feel free to reach out. See you next week!